I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
