we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
