The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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