Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
