My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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