God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
