Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
there is glitter all over my balls
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize