I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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