I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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