it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
