I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
birth control should be required to get into college
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
