This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Randomize
