3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
