I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize