so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh god it's open bar.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
