I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
