I didn't shave. On purpose
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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