last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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