he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
