she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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