i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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