i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
