I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
