I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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