last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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