ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
farters have to be the big spoon...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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