i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize