My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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