just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
