his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You made out with two different species that night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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