I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
