I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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