I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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