Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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