The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
how drunk are you?
Several
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
