so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
