I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
