I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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