you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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