dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
