Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
