he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
