Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
