Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
