just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
