Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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