That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
