Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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