I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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