You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
