I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
no you cant smoke seaweed
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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