New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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