hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
