you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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